I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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