I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I love you.
Bad choice
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
