Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize