My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
