what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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