why didn't you poke me back
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
