I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
