Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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