I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
