I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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