I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
