When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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