i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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