she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I supernannyed him into submission
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize