just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
