You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
