I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
