Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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