I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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