Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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