Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize