a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
