If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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