I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
