I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So squirting runs in the family.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
