I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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