are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
