All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
