i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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