Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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