I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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