he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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