If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize