I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
