I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize