omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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