Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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