I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize