Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
