I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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