uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
