wrigley field is MILF paradise
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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