saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
