He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
