i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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