"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize