dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
