Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
