wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize