Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
