i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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