so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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