I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
