im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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