Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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