smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I am puke
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
