Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
