Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
