can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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