That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
